Hush, baby. I'll still here.

Oh cutesy, I’ve got you. It’s okay. Relax, I’ve got you.

There, there. It’s just me and you now, baby. Don’t look at me like that. I’ll manage. We’ll manage.

God, your eyes. Brown buttons. I can see your mom’s shadow in them. Hopefully, you’ll take after your mom. You’re still at that stage. Bright red, eyes swollen almost-shut, deep creases under them. A tight little bundle of heat, warms my heart so now that I’ve got you. Your hair shine with inky black. Just like…. your mom.

Let me just put you back down for a second, baby. Just tidy myself up. Bit of a mess lately. Right, come here. You must be hungry.

I hope this isn’t too cold. Rather that than it burn your mouth. Not one to avoid eye contact, are you? Staring me out like that. You are a curious one, aren’t you? I was never particularly observant or patient, couldn’t hold anyone’s gaze for longer than ten seconds before the awkwardness gets in the way and couldn’t hold attention through. But you, baby, you’re not going to be anything like me. You will be better, because your mom lives in you.

I’ll tell you what, all those jokes the nurses made; all that ‘She won’t let you sleep for months’, I don’t know what they were talking about. I can’t sleep as it is, but if I could…if the sound that woke me up was you crying, well…it’s the best sound in the world. That look again! You know what I mean. The silence of night almost drives me insane and you are my sanctuary.

God, the size of your hand. It’s lost in mine. Not even the size of my little finger. You’ve got a grip on you, though, haven’t you? Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I keep thinking, this is nice, you know? Me, you, here together. The whole world asleep and it’s just us two in the front room. Yet we’re not complete like this. God, looking at you reminds me so much of your mom. She was the most beautiful lady. We were supposed to be a family, blissful together. When you are older, I will tell you about all our dreams and hopes for you. You are our everything, you know? I guess you’ll never know how much this scares me. It’s new for me, being a dad and all. You get that don’t you, being new to the family. Yes, we’ll survive. We are not that fragile. All done? Here, let’s put this down.

Oh, don’t go to sleep. I wish you’d stay awake, talk to me. How long before you start talking? I can’t wait for you to be doing my head in, pulling at my shirtsleeve, begging me to take you out to the ice cream van, to the shop, to the park. I can’t wait, I swear.

After that I’ll be your own personal taxi service, won’t I? When you’re too cool to be hanging out with your dad and I’m no good for anything but a ride. Well, as long as you talk to me when we’re at home, I’ll tell you now, I can live with that. Just…don’t you ever become one of these girls that locks herself away in her room and only shows her face at mealtimes. I need the conversation, believe me.

They say long fingers mean you’re going to be creative. If there’s any truth in it, you’re going to be like me after all. Don’t you worry, we will have lots of fun with art and music. We’ll get started early. It will be our thing. We can play pieces together, finger-paint and work on our house together. Then maybe, one day, I will let you read the letters of your mom and I.

You’ll be a tomboy though, I’m afraid, whether you like it or not. No girl of mine is getting Barbies, fall prey to Disney fantasies and become a superficial airhead. You will be my princess, but I won’t treat you like one. You will learn to be strong and independent. Just like your mom. Look at you. You’ll be gorgeous, stunning, beautiful, breathtaking and all of that. It’s in the genes. Well, half of them, anyway.

Ah, enough of that. Me mascara’s running. Same look you gave me before, eh? Get used to my bad jokes, will you? Your dad is known for his unusual humour and somehow I have to learn to balance that with strictness when it comes to you. Can you imagine that? Nah, me neither.

I though I had forgotten how to smile. But you have that effect on me, loosening me up and bringing sunshine to my days. The house is so empty now, I don’t know what to do. You know, the other night, I sat and watched you sleep, couldn’t take my eyes off you. You were so peaceful, in your own little world. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to sleep like you did that other night. I wish you’d grow up so naive to the world. Pure hearted just like your mom. Kind and loving. Just like her.

I guess when you can start asking questions, you’ll ask why all the other girls and boys at nursery have mums. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to answer you by then. We’ll jump that hurdle when we come to it.

Another yawn? We'll keep it simple then. You’ll say what you think and you won’t hold prisoners. I'll try to be the best dad I know how. You will tell me when I am wrong as I the same. I’m telling you, I can’t wait. I’m counting down the days till your first words, when you first try and almost call out ‘dada’.

I am just happy and glad that I've still got you. I’ll sit with you, hand in hand. You and me. And your mom, somewhere close.

There you go. Hush, now. Sleep for both of us. I’ll be right here. She'll be right here.