三个傻B笑话

一男入厕，刚把门关上就听隔壁问：“你来了？”
　　
他说：“是啊。”
可心里想，这隔壁是谁啊？我认识他吗？奇怪！
这时隔壁又问：“你来干吗啊？”
他生气的说：“拉屎啊！来这能干吗？！”
隔壁又问：“那你什么时候走啊？”
他想这人是有神经病！懊恼的说：“拉完就走！！”
这时隔壁又问：“那一会你来我这里一下吧，好吗？”
此人心里一惊：“靠！原来是同性恋！”
他大骂道：“你他妈的去死吧，变态！”
隔壁又说：“恩，先挂了吧，一会再给你打过去，我旁边来了个傻Ｂ！我说一句他接一句！！

---

甲老师在批改英语作文，忽然大发雷霆：“我从来没看过这么烂的英语作文”
乙老师见状问：“写的是什么啊？”
甲老师：“写一个王子和公主的故事。”
“不错啊”乙说。
“他竟然在开头写王子问公主‘can you speak chinese?'
公主回答‘yes',
接下来的全部都是中文

---

有一个神经病，不知从哪里弄到了一把手枪，他走在一条小黑色胡同里。

突然遇上一个年轻人，神经病2 话不说将其安在地上用枪支着他的头！问道：“一加一等于几？”

年轻人吓坏了！沉思了许久.回答：“等 于2？？”

神经病毫不犹豫的开枪杀了他！然后把枪拽在怀里~冰冷的说了一句：

“你知道得太多了！”

非诚勿扰

最近，紧追“非诚勿扰”男女速配综艺节目，觉得美女众多眼前一亮，男生则是使劲耍宝夺人所目，相当的有娱乐性。从第一期到现在的第十四期，相当多对速配成功，但绝大多数令人印象深刻的美女竟然都是剩女。以下是我反省后的结论：


1．沈薇有中國古典美的味道，皮膚白皙，腹有詩書氣自華，是一位知性美女，集气质，才干，漂亮于一身的一位天使。

2．武萧懂得打扮和挑衣服，拥有甜蜜的笑容，也算是个美女。照我观察，她对老师的反应似乎有点过激，对男嘉宾却不够热情。她率直，敢怒敢言，隐约流露出一种强悍，是典型的女强人。

3．马伊咪一眼夺目，有点气质，有点个性，许多男人的一见钟情。起初，确实对她印象不错。不过越来越觉得她要求过高，眼光即短又浅。有深度内涵的男生，她不要。有理想胆识的男生，不适合。小男人，免谈。大男人，怕被管。不够男人，没意思。小姐，你到底想怎地？而且发现她皮肤不太好。

4．马诺性感无敌，写真为证。拥有喷火的身材，无穷的自信，样貌有点委屈，处事智商低的惊人，话无分寸语带刺。求求你，顾下其他人感受，行吗？

5．说到谢嘉，虽然不打扮，这里那里都缺了点什么女人味，不过她的心灵成熟，思想细密有深度，在众女中是理性的象征。不过，毕竟男人是视觉的动物，我开始有点担心她到节目停播那天也找不到对象。

6．昨晚，男嘉宾来了有史第一个老外，国语流利，人帅品行优，有稳定工作， 并大胆的宣布仍是“完人”。在场，谢嘉回应，“我也是，完人。”。然后，其他女嘉宾反应尴尬，现场欢呼。

看了其中的6-7集后，想起古时女子的三从四德。

---

“三从”已成为封建婚姻留给妇女们的枷锁。而所谓的“四德”是指：

　　一德、品德，就是说做女子的第一要紧是能正身立本；

　　二容、相貌，指出入要端庄稳，重持礼，忌轻浮随便；

　　三言、言语，指与人交谈要会随意附义，善解人意，并知道该言与不该言；

　　四工、治家之道，相夫教子、尊老爱幼、勤俭节约等生活方面的细节。

不过，矫正过头的今天，现代的女性该有些什么基本要素？不少女人失却了基本的人格底线，修得四不德：

　　一不守、守雌，殊不知女性修养乃“柔弱者者胜刚强“（老子《道德经》）的最高道幸，是守望家园的镇妖之宝。女性的强势已动摇社会与婚姻的基础。

　　二不贞、贞操，情感，性感的开放导致了社会放纵。昔日的从一而终，洁身自爱，荡然无存。

　　三不真、假情假意假身躯，为权为金为名利。

　　四不工、治家无道、婚姻失调，教子无方，为老不尊等

当然，现代还是有不少德才兼备之女。水是滋润可爱，月亮是弯月幽情，明白这是为什么吗？ 是一种修养，一种污泥而不染之洁净，一种高而不骄的谦虚，一种从内渗出的气质。

我来买手机的.....

Do you feel qualified?

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Health Care Reform & A Stronger Canadian $

In a 219-212 vote late yesterday, the House of Representatives approved the largest healthcare overhaul in four decades. The bill, which failed to garner a single Republican vote, will be signed into law by Obama, who called it "a victory for the American people."

The healthcare measures will cost $940B over ten years and cover 32M uninsured Americans. The bill is a mixed bag for insurers, who stand to gain over 20M new customers but are unhappy the bill doesn't substantially address the problem of rising healthcare costs and further reduces government subsidies to the industry. Pharmaceutical companies, on the other hand, emerge as clear winners from the bill, while large businesses are worried about higher costs and stricter coverage rules.

Meanwhile, the Canadian dollar is charging towards par with its U.S. counterpart. Canada's currency has risen about 7 percent since early February, peaking on Friday at 99.38 U.S. cents, its highest since July, 2008. Many analysts expect it to return to parity with the U.S. dollar, and stay strong through 2010 or longer.

What this means is that cross-border acquisitions have become more attractive. There are also greater availability of debt and equity financing. What does this means for local businesses if consumers are heading south for cheaper products or looking to acquire U.S. assets by Canadian companies looking to grow?

Canada's economic recovery has outpaced the U.S. and corporate balance sheets are stronger. Debt and equity markets have been willing to finance deals, and may be even more enthusiastic about a U.S. purchase that could be financed in both U.S. and Canadian dollars. In short, Canadian companies are better positioned than many of their international peers to purchase foreign assets, having better weathered the financial crisis than most, and emerged from the recession with stronger balance sheets -- relatively high levels of cash and low levels of debt.

But staying true to “No Risk, No Gain” belief, while there is no doubt with the U.S. being a significant market, if you buy a strategic asset which has a great fit with your business, you can achieve synergies, but at the same time, you have to be ready to take some volatility along the way.

The U.S. economy is still unhealthy with high levels of national debt that has to raise concerns and lead to the question, “How far can the U.S. currency fall?”. Of course, there would be less incentive to purchase an asset when it will be worth less in the future. Agreeing on a price is fraught in an economy where no one is sure if the biggest risks are still ahead.

The soaring Canadian dollar does help Canadian companies in another way, allowing them to import at lower costs, especially inventory and equipment upgrades.

Overall, Canada’s economy is heavily reliant on immigrants with new money and the commodities market. Then there are other causes for concern with local businesses struggling to keep up with increasing competition and most fresh graduates are victims of structural unemployment (stuck in a job well under their qualifications).

睡功

一天内睡功只能练一种功法。


1)安神式：


上床前洗漱完毕，再以热干毛巾捂双眼几秒钟。以穿薄棉质内衣入被内，调枕高度至适度，缓缓躺下，仰卧。

上肢自然伸略曲，手心向下置于身体两侧，下肢舒伸，脚分开同肩宽，足尖呈八字分开(不勉强) ，摇动调整身体至感觉适坦。

以目视房顶，慢慢将神光收回，轻轻合眼，内视鼻尖，一直向下看至下丹田(指脐部一带范围)。轻合齿，舌缓卷轻抵上腭。

吸气时不要注意口、鼻，而是想像气从四面八方(上下左右前后……)进入下丹田，呼气从下丹田通过全身向四面八方发射；如此呼吸3遍(或6遍、12遍)后转入自然呼吸(仍然是如前述进、出)，在真入睡后如又醒了，仍然按自然呼吸进行。

在睡功中出现身体膨胀或腾空感觉均属正常反应，不惊不喜任其自然。
此功法疗效：安神、养精、解乏。


2）、降血压式：


以热干毛巾捂鼻梁几秒钟，再顺鼻梁向下慢慢擦至脖部。以穿薄棉质内衣入被内，调枕高度至适度，缓缓躺下，仰卧。

上肢自然伸略曲，手心置于大腿根，下肢舒伸，脚自然伸。

轻轻合眼，内视鼻尖，一直向下看至涌泉穴。上升到下丹田(意念气缓缓从涌泉穴向上进入下丹田)，以不勉强吸为度；呼气时从下丹田下降至涌泉穴，以不勉强呼为度。如此，呼吸3遍(或6遍、12遍)后转入自然呼吸。

出现腿麻、凉、胀及气流感属正常反应，不惊不喜任其自然。

此功法疗效：清心火，降血压。


3)、补虚还阳式：


入被前及预备式，意念运用同安神式。

然后将两掌心盖肚脐窝(男左手在内，右手盖在左手之上，女则反之)，呼吸从以肚脐及腰之间的中心地带为中心，从四面八方进出，如如此呼吸3遍(或6遍、12遍)后转入自然呼吸(仍然是如前述进、出)，在真入睡后如又醒了，仍然按自然呼吸进行。

此功法对有些人会感觉腹部时有响动，属正常反应，不惊不喜任其自然。

此功法针对阴即二虚，体弱无力、气短神疲者；

功效是温阳补虚，还阳和中，消食导滞。


4)、调气扶心式：


入床前先洗漱完毕，然后原地站立轻轻踏步50下，踏步时微仰头，眼微开而不用神。再以穿薄棉质内衣入被内，调枕高度至适度，缓缓躺下，仰卧。

上肢自然伸略曲，手心向下叠掌复盖膻中穴(两乳头连线中)，下肢膝微弯曲，将二脚底轻轻相抵，摇动调整身体至感觉适坦。

以目视房顶，慢慢将神光收回，轻轻合眼，内视鼻尖，一直向下看至膻中穴。轻合齿，舌缓卷轻抵上腭。

吸从四面八方进，呼从膻中穴注向气海穴。其余同安神式。

功中有些人有气动声响，属正常反应，不惊不喜任其自然。

此功法功效是调气降逆、宽胸利膈。对胸痛、气管炎、胸膈闷满、心脏疾患有一定疗效。


5)、保肝明胆式：


入被前及预备式，意念运用同安神式。

然后将两掌心盖肝胆区(男左手在内，右手盖在左手之上，女则反之)，肝胆区在心窝沿最后一根胁骨1/3处。

想像肝胆形状，然后闭目，舌抵上腭，吸气时，想像气从从四面八方向肝胆区压，呼气从齿缝呼出，吸呼转换时舌由上腭转下腭。从四面八方要自然缓长，不宜刻意过度。如此吸呼3遍(或6遍、12遍)后转入自然呼吸。

练习此功法时，有些人会感觉肝胆腹部时有响动，属正常反应，不惊不喜任其自然。

此功法益气舒肝、明胆开窍。对慢性肝炎、肝肿大，肝区不适，火盛，胆痛有疗效。


6)、扶脾健胃式：


入被前及预备式，意念运用同安神式，然后将两掌心盖左胁胃脾区 (男左手在内，右手盖在左手之上，女则反之)，胃脾区在心窝沿左胁最后一根胁骨1/3处。然后闭目，舌抵上腭，吸气时，想像气从从四面八方向胃脾区压，呼气从齿缝呼出，吸呼转换时舌由上腭转下腭。从四面八方要自然缓长，不宜刻意过度。如此吸呼3 遍(或6遍、12遍)后转入自然呼吸。

此功法和胃定痛，扶脾去胀。对脾大、脾胃不和、胃炎、胃病痛胀、消化不良有疗效。

World's easiest quiz

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 3 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.












ANSWERS



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange
(of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

四书五经

凡是对中国传统文化稍有了解的人，都不会不知道《四书》。它是《论语》、《孟子》、《大学》、《中庸》四部著作的总称。南宋著名学者朱熹曾讲过，“先读《大学》以定其规模，次读《论语》以定其根本，次读《孟子》以观其发越，次读《中庸》以求古人之微妙处。》

由于朱熹注释的《四书》既融会了前人的学说，又有他自己的独特见解，切于世用；又由于以程颢、程颐兄弟和朱熹为代表的“程朱理学”地位的日益上升，所以，朱熹死后，朝廷便将他所编定注释的《四书》审定为官书，从此盛行起来，到元代延佑 年间（1314——1320）恢复科举考试，正式把出题范围限制在朱 注《四书》之内，明、清沿袭而衍出“八股文”考试制度，题目也都是在朱注《四书》里。

由于这些因素，使《四书》不仅成为 了儒学的重要经典，而且也成了每个读书人的必读书，成了直到 近代全国统一的标准的小学教科书。

五经指的是《诗经》《尚书》《礼记》《周易》和《春秋》，简称为“诗、书、礼、易、春秋”，在之前，还有一本《乐经》，合称“诗、书、礼、乐、易、春秋”,这六本书也被称做“六经”，其中的《乐经》在秦始“皇焚书坑儒”后从此失传亡佚，就此只剩下了五经。东汉在此基础上加上《论语》、《孝经》，共七经；唐时加上《周礼》、《礼记》、《春秋公羊传》，《春秋谷梁传》、《尔雅》，共十二经；宋时加《孟子》，后有宋刻《十三经注疏》传世。

惭愧，惭愧。我身处外国不知中国，只知“现代后”而不知“现代前”，将来如何教子？

US VS CANADA

US SHIP: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!

US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW OR WE WILL TAKE APPROPRIATE AND DRASTIC MEASURES!!!!

CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

When did you first realize?

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first
realize that you were in love with me?"

"Well, I suppose," whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started
getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a
lousy lay."

Bentley Mulsanne

Pictures are courtesy of my good friend, Manuel.

Fazioli piano owners were invited to join Bentley Vancouver to enjoy a preview of the new Bentley Mulsanne on Thursday the 11th of March.

It looked..... fairly similar to older recent models, which is somewhat disappointing. The interior is almost a straight copy. But, customers will have a choice of 114 paint colours, 21 carpet colours, nine wood veneers and 24 interior leather hides, and be able to specify a custom colour scheme. Additionally, the car will have far more advanced technology compared to the Arnage, and can be specified to feature a NAIM premium audio system complete with iPod/MP3 compatibility, with Bluetooth and an advanced MMI capability. Overall, it is quite a view, giving a grandeur feeling that is unique to Bentley. Price? Somewhere over the $500,000 rainbow.

I didn't make it to the Jaguar's reception the day before for its 2010 XF but I heard it is the bomb(good food kept coming) and there is a huge factory discount (Imagine $50/mth, zero down).

Anyways, as long as they are free, its always fun to go.

忙碌再忙碌

已经一年多没有来TOSHI了。虽然还是等了一个多小时才入座，不过最后还是尝到新奇的美食，服务生随忙服务却周到，吃的开心，心情十分受用。

这两个礼拜忙忙碌碌，也不知何时起，右脚隐隐做疼，后背肌肉拉伤还未复原，疲累仿佛堆积如山。有时，闭上眼躺在床上久久难眠，想着做不完的事等着，想着不在身边的人， 想着不明白的事，想着可能的遗憾，想着。。。想着。。。

心情变得沉重。最近，公司决定封锁网路，删掉游戏，禁同事交谈等等，不仅难以理解，甚至不通情理。虽然我已经通知月底辞职，但对于公司的无理决策，恼怒难休， 为我其他的同事，深感不平。当然，我也明白主要是台北总行的指令，但是既然已经直接影响到我们每天的工作，也许还是应该有人向上头反映一下。试问不能时刻更新新闻与讯息的话，还有什么职业标准？试问不能与同事交谈的话，僵硬的工作环境怎么能维持良好的工作效率？更何况，做完事后，在不影响他人的情况下舒缓一下，有何不妥？我也不排除有小人在无中生有，煽风点火，打小报告的可能性。

工作之外，婚礼细节很多需要安排决定，其后欧洲之旅也需要仔细策划，有时还真佩服我爸，事事都能妥当处理，而我觉得有点力不从心。没关系，我撑得过去，一件一件的把事情做完。

还有十来天就算解脱了吧。月底时，我就会飞往台湾，与Sharon碰面，好好休息几天。

现在请帮我加油！！

Engagement Invitation (In Taiwan)

Boy, it has been a hectic week and I may be suffering from fatigue more than I am willing to admit.

Meanwhile Sharon has done a good job planning the engagement and here is the finalized invitation.

Everyone is invited!!

Living Proof

"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married".

Wedding Songs