The Colbert Report: Interview with God

Stephen Colbert: Good evening. It is time for the Colbert Report. We have a very distinguished guest here today and he is very pressed for time so let’s have a warm welcome for he who doesn’t need to ask permissions, the consistent and omnipresent peeper, the one who sets all the rules and makes no mistakes, the one and only, Your Holiness.

The walk-down music plays “Bad” by Michael Jackson. A beam of light rests on his seat as he descends from above. He is gracious and surprisingly young for the most powerful being.

GOD: (waits patiently as the applauds and grasps fade off) Steve, are you mocking me?

Stephen: I wouldn’t dare. But, I wanted to see if you really can’t get mad.

GOD: (calmly smiling) My temper is quickly offset with forgiveness.

Stephen: (his hand brushing his forehead) Thanks God, what a relief. It has been common assumption that the God is perfect. But it sounds like you still experience anger and grief?

GOD: Perfection is a myth as are many things. Everything has an effect on me. It is the only way I can stay involved, continue to learn and improve.

Stephen: So there is room for learning and improvement, even for God?

GOD: (glowing brighter) There always is. Otherwise Steve, it would get really boring, wouldn’t it?

Stephen: By the way, nice glow. (crowd applause again then fade) So I understand this is your first appearance on TV. Why have you decided to make a public appearance on my show?

GOD: Well, I have been getting many hate prayers lately and I feel it is time for me to address some issues. By the way, I am giving you this honor because your ironic style and deep-pan humor largely resembles my own.

Crowd bursts into laughter and cheers.

Stephen: Thanks, I try my best. Anyways, it is a difficult time for us all, people without money, food, homes and cars. We may even get a black president.

GOD: Believe me. I know. First things first, I have to make sure you understand that I cannot interfere with anything that happens on Earth - the restrictions of free will.

Stephen: Doesn’t God have the free will to do whatever he wants?

GOD: That only applies to normal people. We (let me call us the outsiders) have to respect people’s free will. Technically, we are spectators. However, we are allowed to play with our influence.

Stephen: So let me get this clear, even the devil needs to respect us? There is a devil, isn’t there?

GOD: (getting excited, glow brightens) Yes, she does. We have meetings and dinners all the time. But it is my preferance to have her over rather than me going down there. As a matter of fact, she likes to turn up the heat at her place which makes it too unbearable to stay there even for a second.

The crowd murmurs in disbelief but quickly settles down, curious to hear more.

Stephen: The two of you are friends? We always thought you two are on bad terms, the bane of each other's existence.

GOD: We are adversaries but also friends and colleagues. Try and see us as the balance of each other’s power to make sure there is not too much good or too much evil.

Stephen: So the devil is female. Interesting. Does she have a name?

GOD: I call her D and she calls me G.

Stephen: Are there other immortals?

GOD: No, it is just us. You see, the good will eventually become part of me and the evil, part of her. It is just two of us and all of you. In the end, it is still just about balance.

Stephen: So if everything is about balance, let me assume that there is really no such thing as good triumphs evil.

GOD: That depends on how you interpret that saying but the point is there is hardly ever any pure good or evil. If there are, good will triumphs evil as much as evil triumphs good.

Stephen: I see. So tell me more about your dinners.

GOD: It is really quite similar to your dinners. We meet up at night but we immortals do not need food. You can say the dinner is time for us to share how our day went.

Stephen: Sounds like a couple’s thing.

GOD: (laughs) Maybe it is.

Stephen: Does she tell you that she is destroying the world? With the world facing problems like hunger, global warming and wars, some people are asking why is God not doing anything. How do you respond to that?

GOD: All I can say is that everything happens for a reason. The most important thing is not to lose hope.

Stephen: Is that enough to make things better?

GOD: (laughs) At least it doesn’t make things worse. Hope is the glue that holds things together and it creates the drive to change for the better. Without hope, life would be more or less like death.

Stephen: Thanks for explaining. So with infinite time, what else do you work on other than listening to prayers and meetings?

GOD: A little bit of this and that. D and I have been trying to work on the design of the universe and fix all those holes. We also have other projects to keep us busy.

Stephen: That makes sense. But the devil as part of the creation team, who could have imagined? By other projects, you are referring to other lifeforms in other planets? Or maybe another Universe?

GOD: We have infinite creations, each different in their own way - Life, planets, universe and dimensions. The good thing is the free will universal law applies regardless where and when. That means they live their lives and you live yours.

Stephen: Can you elaborate on what the others are like? I am sure the audience would love to learn more.

GOD: (laughs) How long is your program? Sorry, I have let on more than I should. Those are classified information and D wouldn't like it.

Stephen: At least tell us this: as your subjects, how are we faring in comparison with others?

GOD: Sorry, I can’t answer that either. I am not here to lay judgement.

Stephen: I can't say I am not disappointed. It seems like you are avoiding half of my questions.

GOD: (laughs) Maybe because you are asking the wrong ones.

Stephen: So what would be a right question?

GOD: (laughs louder) Steve, I think you are getting better already.

Stephen: (showing disdain) You sound like you don’t have any of the answers.

Suddenly a flash of light zaps across the room, hitting a wall.

GOD: (snickers) You are a brave man, Steve. But be careful. I have been known to smite people.

There is complete silence as everyone sits in awe of his peaceful wrath. Everyone in the studio held their breathe. Seconds crept by.

Devil: (In a thunderous roar) G! How many times must I tell you to practice more. It is embarassing that you keep missing? Do you want me to blast him for you?

GOD: Oh man, got to go. Stephen, take my advice and hide. She throws quite a tantrum. Pray if you need me. (hands together as he looks up.)

Stephen: Wait!! Just hold on!!

Orchestras of Halleluyahs start to sing. Above, a beam of light hurriedly drops and envelops the holiness. Before you know it, the light has drawn back and the seat is empty. Murmurs and shock remain.

Stephen: (wiping off the sweat on his face) Oh God, I guess that’s all the time we have today. Thank you for joining.

Stephen Colbert sprints off chased by echoes of thunders. Never to be heard of again.